I've recently realized that just because someone passes away it doesn't mean that your love for that person stays the same. I can honestly say that my love for my mom has been steadily and quietly growing over the years after her death.

A Dream

I had a dream about my mom last Sunday. In my dream, Auntie Sinja had found three pair of glasses that once belonged to my mom and sent it to me by mail. I opened the package and tried on the first glass which was wire rimmed. I was surprised to find that I could see clearly with the glasses on. Everything had looked fuzzy before. Then I tried on the second pair of glasses which were brown and black plastic rimmed and again I was able to see clearly. Finally, I tried on the third pair of glasses which were black plastic rimmed with light blue lenses and again I could see clearly. As I was trying on the glasses, I remembered a happy time when our family had gone on a vacation to a sunny beach island with other relatives. We were sitting around a pool on rocks laughing and enjoying ourselves. After I was done trying on all the glasses, I thought to myself how nice it was to remember my mom.

I wonder if the seeing clearly through my mom's glasses had any meaning???

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By pure serendipity I came across my mom's engagement ring one day in the basement of my parent's house years after her passing. I recognized it immediately because my mom wore it everyday of her life. It was a part of her. I knew that she treasured it as a symbol of my parent's love. There it was tucked away in one of the drawers of the old abandoned furniture in the basement. My dad must have put it there when she passed away and probably forgot where he put it. He has a pretty bad memory. I took it that day and have kept it safely with me. I would take it out and put it on when I really missed her or just wanted to remember her. It was a little big on me and the design was out of date so I never actually wore it outside. I was afraid of losing it. Some people have suggested that I redesign the ring so that I could wear it everyday but I wasn't ready before. I just wanted to remember it as it was on my mom's hand. But sometime last week I decided to take it to a jeweler and redesign it so that I could wear it on my wedding day as a rememberance of my mom. I'm thinking of it as a merging of myself and my mom, my sense of style updated with my mom's diamond. Man, I miss her.

Auntie Sinja sent me an email a few days ago offering me the letters my mom wrote to her that she saved over the years. There are two material things that I own that connect me to my mom: her engagement ring and a silver cross necklace that she gave me when I was in junior high or high school. After she passed away, Auntie Sinduk had come to my house to help us clean out my mom's belongings and found her diary but we don't know what happened to it. I did read it once but I always wished that I had kept it safely somewhere. To have my mom's words...to know her thoughts...to understand part of who she was...I didn't think this chance would come in my lifetime here on earth. What an unexpected blessing.

Dear Mom,

I went out and bought three big sunny yellow sunflowers for you. I put in in a blue vase. Blue and yellow color combination makes me feel happy. It is one of my favorite color combinations.

I'm not quite sure what my motivation is in starting this letter to you. It gives me a way to communicate with you even though it is just a one way communication. It would be good too if this becomes useful to anyone else suffering the loss of someone they love very much and didn't want to let go but had no choice especially another young girl missing her mom. Opening myself up in this way also reaffirms the fact that I am not afraid of your death anymore.

It has been fourteen years since my mom's sudden passing. This year I am not terribly sad nor is my heart heavy laden. I didn't even go out and buy a bouquet of flowers today, but maybe I still will in a bit. Instead I decided to start a blog in her honor to remember her. I want to remember that she once was and wonderfully at that. I want to remember that I was blessed with a loving and vivacious mom who provided a healthy and happy home for me to grow up in. That is a great testimony in these days. Thanks mom and I love you very much. Miss you...